If you have ever forgotten to make plans on a Saturday night, then perhaps you’ve found yourself meandering over to every TWU student’s favourite last resort — watching the Bombers game.

And if you are like most people, you might have been pleasantly surprised by how much fun it is. The electric energy of the screaming fans, the vicious stick-whacking and questionable hits behind the net — and the dirty scrums in front of it — all culminating together to create an atmosphere that can only be described as intoxicating. Blinded by euphoria, you may also start to wonder how many of these hunks are single.

“Wait—I recognize that guy. He plays for the Bombers? His ugliness has somewhat disappeared.” — The fans (probably)

Perhaps the most enticing sight to see on the ice is the smooth-gliding, heart-palpitation-inducing majesty, that is Brett Fontaine, the captain.  

In the early days of Bombers, Fontaine used to have a long-flowing, hazelnut mane. Brunette, like the biblical Samson. Today, he rocks a tasteful, but timeless, short fade. Legend says that he had his locks chopped off for improved aerodynamics. After all, Fontaine is the kind of player who would sacrifice vanity for athletic betterment any day of the week.

In any case, within the first few seconds of seeing Fontaine hit the ice during warm-up, it is clear he is playing at a level of his own. In fact, professional hockey’s most trusted insider, Bob McKenzie, has rumored that George McPhee, General Manager of the Vegas Golden Knights, sought to acquire Fontaine prior to the 2017-2018 campaign. McKenzie speculates if that were to have happened, he would have played alongside James Neal on the Knights’ top line. Unfortunately, Fontaine turned down the offer due to unknown reasons.

Aside from professional praise, his teammates share similar sentiments towards their captain.

“The kid is just lightning out there. Buddy’s got filthy mitts, to say the least,” says Rich Nickel II, newly acquired big-bodied defender for the Bombers.

“We’re kind of like the Oilers in the 80’s. They dominated, we dominate. They had Gretzky, and we have Brettzky,” says Jamison Derksen, the Bombers’ second most reliable offensive weapon.

With such immense talent, one has to ask why Fontaine didn’t take the Golden Knights up on their offer to play in the big show. Bombers Manager, Joey Schweitzer, speculates that Fontaine is not leaving the Bombers anytime soon; not only because he wants to focus on school right now, but more so because of his profound love for the boys.

“I bleed orange.” — Brett Fontaine (probably)

And with an attitude like that, the boys can’t help but love Fontaine back.