A condensed guide on judging the quality of a man by the quality of his clothes

So, you’re looking to find yourself a man. Great! There are, of course, many ways to decide with whom to start a relationship, such as common interests or love… but I propose to you a simpler solution: clothing. Everything else? It’s on the inside. Clothing is a simple way to judge at a glance and determine if he’s the right fit for you.

Sweaters. The most common and most easily “borrowed” article of boyfriend clothing. How to assess a man’s sweater for potential theft style points:

Firstly, size. Large, oversized sweaters are scientifically proven to be the most comfortable. As your local sweater-collecting expert, you can trust me on this. You want sleeves long enough to be used as fabric nun chucks without being swallowed alive.

Secondly, style. Zip-up hoodies may be more convenient, but pullovers, (known by their scientific classification, lepus amplector, literally “bunny hug”), are guaranteed to feel like a warm embrace. Wool sweaters look cute but probably won’t have pockets. Hoods are ideal face-concealers to help you elope with their precious clothing.

Lastly, quantity. If your chosen suitor owns three or fewer sweaters, then the chance of subtly adding one to your own closet is slim. However, if they keep a month’s worth of sweaters on rotation, they surely won’t notice if one or fourteen of their lepus amplectori go missing.

Suits. Everyone looks good in a suit. This is another scientifically proven fact. The drawback of a suit is that it isn’t an article of clothing you want to steal from someone else. Get your own. Trust me, you’ll look great. When considering if a man is an equally worthwhile investment, you’ll want to observe how often he’s wearing a suit. If he wears one only to special occasions, then there’s a good chance there’s a nice stock of other “steal-able” items for you to choose from. If he’s wearing a suit every day, however, then procuring things to add to your own closet may prove to be a bit of a challenge.

Plaids. Any Canadian male or female should own at least one plaid shirt. It’s actually in the contract they make you sign in order to become a Canadian citizen. A plaid shirt strikes a happy medium between “looks good on anyone” and “can be stolen.” Depending on size, you can just roll up the sleeves, wear it over a t-shirt, and nobody will ever notice it’s not yours. Plaids come in an infinite combination of colours, patterns, and weights, leaving almost no restriction on your personal choice. Whether you’re looking for the traditional red-black checkerboard or something more unique, like rust orange-yellow-bro

wn, it’s out there somewhere! Just keep a sharp eye out for the clothing of your dreams.

Of course, there are many other details to consider when evaluating a man. Leather jackets, sweatpants, toques… But, out of every clothing option out there, these three items are absolutely critical to examine when you’re asking yourself, is it REALLY boyfriend material?