This is for men only. All women please turn the page, as this is a sensitive topic for us. Thank you.

To the boys of TWU: women are better than us, and deep down inside, we all know this. We all know that the combination of female beauty and the way we think allows women to have complete control over us. In fact, research shows that in a discussion between three or more men, women are discussed 90% of the time. It sounds crazy, but think about it: when was the last time you had a conversation with the boys and girls weren’t brought up? Don’t worry I’ll wait.

It saddens me that our pride hinders us from acknowledging the power that women have over our simple brains. Eventually, as a unit, we must surrender to the female gender so that we can coexist with them peacefully, and so that we can spread the message to other men.

As a first step towards this goal, let us address the type of female hypnotism that affects TWU male students everyday. As you read this, I challenge you to swallow your pride and know that we have all gone through the following sequence of events.

We can all think back on a time when one of our bros changed on us because of “her.” You wish he had never met “her.” Ever since she came into the picture, your bromance has crumbled. You can’t talk with him about the game anymore, because somehow the conversation will come back to her. He never wants to hang out anymore, because he is already doing something with her. If you’re talking with him and she enters the room, he will go to her… even if you are still talking. To make yourself feel better about your lost bro, you make fun of him by calling him controlled or whipped; this numbs the pain for a little while, but after a year, once the jokes have become old, you cry. You cry, because you just want your bro back. But he is gone, probably forever.

Once you finish weeping for him, you start weeping for yourself. You know, deep down, that you are also whipped. But you are not just whipped by one woman; you are whipped by any and all women. You know that the three-to-one ratio was half your motivation to enroll in Trinity Western University. You know that the mere sound of a female voice in your dorm causes you and your dorm mates to strip down to your underpants, surround the lady, and crack terrible jokes. You know that the only reason you work out, the only reason you dress nicely, and the only reason you bathe is because you are under the control of the female.

And it’s only a matter of time before one of them snags you up to be hers.

If you still don’t know what whipped means, look it up on the ever resourceful, urban dictionary.